Cut the Shit

Update of the Random Kind

This is the time of the year when my job goes into full out ridiculous mode. Since I work at a college, the end of the semester always brings out the stress and piles of work. And because of that shitastic state of affairs, I’ve been unable to drop a post. However, since the moment I walked in the door my co-workers have gotten so deeply under my skin that my nerves are shot. I’ve had to take about 4 HUGE deep breaths in order to not blow my stack. KABOOM! Do you remember that cereal? I do. It was lame. I say fuck work and fuck my co-workers and time for a little postie.

What a week it’s been. It started on Saturday night when I went out on a date with the subway winker. That’s a whole post in and of itself and I have dinner plans with him again tonight. I’ll give you those grisly details next week. Try not to blow your load before then, cuz it’s a pretty funny story and I’m hoping to have some erotic details to add to it tonight. Funny AND erotic! What more could you ask for in a post?

On Sunday, I organized a birthday extravaganza for my friend Angie. It was replete with a variety of appetizers and brunch foods, as well as booze, booze, booze! The weather was beautiful and we were able to spend some of the time on the roof in the sun. Tyler handled the group pretty well and my friend Tessa even styled his first ever mohawk.

I made a chocolate cake and although it was ugly as sin, it tasted pretty good. PRETTY good. I had such a hard time putting the frosting on it. No matter what I did, the top layer of the cake kept ripping off. And yes, I waited 2 hours after baking before putting the frosting on. What am I? A TOTAL moron? Please, the directions specifically said that on the can of frosting.

The hight light of the day for me was seeing everyone hanging out and talking their faces off. It was a pretty eclectic group of people and it’s so nice to see that Angie has such good taste in people’s character. She’s a pretty special girl.

The low light of the day was when Angie said “Joe, I broke something” and I looked over to see that she had cracked my dead grandmother’s pasta bowl in half. My heart went into my throat, but it was a clean break and I think I can fix it. However, I just took it out of her hands and went on with the day. I’m sure Gramma understands. I mean, it wasn’t THAT great of a bowl to begin with. Stop haunting me over it Grams. Enough’s enough.

I had Monday off from work and spent the majority of it in bed. Paul waited on me hand and foot – mostly cuz I had to drag his drunk ass all over our apartment the night before. Paul’s friend Ryan dropped his dog off at our apartment on Monday morning so that she and Tyler could play together. Ryan’s dog is an Italian Greyhound (smaller than I pictured) and fully an Alien. I didn’t like her one bit…mostly cuz her spindle legs kept stepping all over my face. Oh and she took a massive dump on our couch.

On Tuesday I hung out with Ari. That was fun and crazy as always. Last night I cleaned the apartment like a beastmaster and made corn on the cob. From scratch. I grew it in this little pot and then I shucked it and shoved it up my ass. I came and then I ate it.

Today is hopefully lunch with Ari and then out for dinner with subway construction guy – who I think is a bit smitten with me. Which is nice, cuz although he’s got some major baggage, he’s pretty hot and I’ll probably get a turn at smacking his abs later on. That’s always fun.

Tomorrow I’m flying to Syracuse to see my friend Jessica. We’ve been planning this trip for months and we’ve had to postpone a number of times. Finally I’ll get to see her and play around in the suburbs for a few days. Her husband is the brother of Colin from The Real World: Hawaii. I wrote about him once before in this journal and was told to remove what I had written. Yes, I consider it to be super big time lame, but hey…Jessica is a close friend and whatever she wants, she gets.

My mood today could be considered as a cross between snarky and smarmy. I guess that would make it SNARMY. Mostly I’m just pissed off at Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Ashlee Simpson. I was promised they would all be dead by now. Such bullshit.

cockandballs

On that note…I promise many more interesting posts next week covering the following topics:

Date 1 and 2 with construction worker subway guy
The end of the TV season – who tanked, who rose to the challenge
Having an orgasm while performing the Abraham Lincoln

Imagine?

Try to enjoy the rest of your day all!

The Joy of the NYC Subway

A couple of days ago I had boarded the subway for my rush hour commute to work. I do this ride so often that I can immediately tell if there if something is off. When I entered the car of the train, I found that a couple of seats were available, which is strange cuz at that time of day, there is usually wall-to-wall people. I took my seat, turned my Ipod up and closed my eyes.

A few stops later the woman sitting next to me tapped me on the arm. I removed my earphones and she said “Watch your feet”. I looked down and saw a stream of water running by my feet. I thanked her and positioned my feet appropriately. Then I told the woman next to me that the water was inching towards her so that she had the opportunity to move as well. She smiled and moved out of the way.

Another stop came and went and I felt poking on my arm again. I turned and the lady said “Be really careful, cuz its urine, not water.” I was like “WHAAAA?” and I looked down to follow the trail of liquid back to its source. Sitting at the other end of the subway car was a guy in a wheelchair. Around him was a puddle of splattered urine and it was clear to me that he had had an accident.

I stood up and walked toward the guy in the wheelchair. I figured that if I could get close enough to him, I might be able to avoid the piss all together. Sitting a few seats down from him, I realized the pee was starting to go all whilly nilly. It was shifting and running all over the place due to the direction of the subway.

I felt really bad for the guy in the wheelchair, but I noticed that he was traveling with a bunch of friends. They were all in their 30’s and I was a bit perturbed that no one moved to clean him up or the surrounding area. Poor guy.

As I sat watching the pee twist and turn into new directions, I felt vomit rise in my throat. I have a terribly weak stomach and I knew that I was going to spew all over the guy in the wheelchair if I didn’t get up and move cars. At the next stop, I did just that and lo and behold the other subway car was jam packed. I should have known something was up the minute I stepped into a half-empty car during rush hour.

The odd part of this whole thing was that until now I haven’t told anyone that story. I hung out with people all week and it never crossed my mind. I guess as New Yorkers we get used to these types of things happening and just go on with our day.

But still….a river of pee almost went all over the shoes that I borrowed from Paul. Wouldn’t THAT have made him a happy guy?

Have a wonderful pee-free weekend y’all!

My Friend “Subie” and my Dog “Pukie”

Well I’ve returned from my amazing Easter weekend in Albany. It was fantastic all around. It was so good, in fact, that it flew by faster than any visit I’ve had before it. I wasn’t the only one who was upset to leave. I had brought Tyler home with me too and he had the time of his life. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Tyler and I took the Metro-North home and for the most part it went smoothly. He refuses to stay in his SHERPA, so I had to take him out and let him sleep on my lap. Once he was doing that, he was ok. My dad picked us up from the train station and drove us home. Tyler recognized him immediately and jumped into his arms.

Man, we partied like the rock stars that we were raised to be. I drank about 38 vodka/redbulls, 26 glasses of wine, and 4 beers. I don’t like beer as much, OBVIOUSLY. I played so many card games and so much poker that I’m still seeing spades when I close my eyelids. The first night I won BIG. The second night I broke mostly even, but cheated on the last hand so I wouldn’t lose everything. You know how poker people get when it’s the last hand. “Let’s go all in even if we have nothing!” I prefer to walk away with some winnings so I can buy Tyler treats.

On Friday night, I met up with my friend Subie. I hadn’t seen her since I graduated high school. My, how things have changed. She’s got a wonderful husband and a 3 year old babycakes. And to top that, she’s 2 years younger than me! She has also lost about a gajillion pounds from her high school weight and looks fanfuckingtastic! She was dressed to the nines and had her hair all done up and gorge. I was really nervous to see her since we were intense friends for about a year in high school, but we separated ways, kind of less than amicably.

But times have changed and when Subie walked through the front door of my house, I knew it would all be great again. We talked so much shop – memories of the past, current situations in our life, and on top of all of this, I got a chance to meet some of her close friends out at the bar we went to. Sue is so fucking funny and she had me rolling on the floor. We played darts and smoked bowls (see picture above that will attest to that) and I, honestly, had such a great time that I didn’t want the night to end. I’m muchly looking forward to my next trip to Albany. But next time, we’re having her 3 year old drive us to the bar so that we can stay out late and really party it up!

My mom went overboard, as usual, and created Easter baskets for all of us – Tyler included! I came home with 8 new DVD’s, a shit load of candy, and a new marijuana pipe. Thanks to mom and also to Jesus. Cuz you know, he did die on the cross for our sins and all.

Now the only bad part of the visit…on the train ride home, Tyler was pissed off that I made him stay in his Sherpa. I did let him out for a little bit, but overall, I forced his little head inside the bag. When I got to Grand Central, my subway line wasn’t running, so I had to take a cab. Although it was easy to grab one, I had to walk a mile through the subway system to exit the station. Tyler bounced around inside of his Sherpa and he cried the whole time. When we finally got into the cab, Tyler had had enough. He yelped and whined, until I opened up a little slot in the bag and stuck my hand in to pet him.

Tyler took this as an opportunity to try and escape from the bag. He stuck his head through the tiny slot and literally pulled the skin and fur away from his face, revealing white eyes and a puppy skull, in an effort to break free. I shoved his head with all my might back into the bag. Then he started to retch. We were still 30 blocks from my apartment and I could tell he was going to puke all over the place. As the new (and naïve) father that I am, I tried my best to hold his mouth shut so that if he puked, maybe he’d swallow it back down. No such luck. He spewed all over the inside of the bag.

And then he started to cry incessantly.

First of all, I’ve got an incredibly weak stomach, so I started to gag when I looked in the Sherpa and saw his adorable puppy face covered in vomit. I pulled a pair of boxers out of my own bag and started to mop it up. But I couldn’t get it all and Tyler was still trying to escape from the bag.

10 blocks to go.

I decided just to leave Tyler the way he was and I would clean him up the minute I got to my apartment. But he wasn’t having it. He started to bark so loudly and the cab driver was getting irritated. I told him “No bark” and “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”, but to no avail. BARK BARK BARK BARK! And then he started to gnaw through the bag. In my haste and total lack of judgment, I let my impatience and embarrassment get the best of me. As he was gnawing through the bag, I flicked him in the nose.

(insert hours of me berating myself for that)

At first he stopped barking all together. I’ve never – ever - EVER hurt him in any way and I think he was stunned. But after the stun wore off, he SCREAMED! I’ve never heard a scream like that come out of a dog. And the screaming would not abate. My face got beat red and I thought I was going to lose it myself.

We finally pulled up in front of my apartment building. I threw the cab driver some cash and ran to my apartment. Paul greeted us with a huge smile and I said “Tyler is going crazy and I flicked him in the nose!” Paul said “Why would you DO that?” and tears filled my eyes. “Just LOOK at him!”, I said.

I opened up the Sherpa and out walked Tyler covered in puke. Paul gasped, then laughed, then gasped again. We immediately got Ty out of his shirt (I had dressed him up in his new clothes to show Paul – that obviously worked well) and we got him cleaned up.

Tyler slept for 12 hours straight after that ordeal, most of which was spent on my lap or curled up next to me in bed. He’s the best dog ever and I should NEVER have flicked his nose through the Sherpa. But I definitely got MY come-uppance for that.

So a great weekend ends kind of sourly, but it all worked out ok. Tyler was a huge hit at my house in Albany and he wouldn’t do anything unless I was there. My parents complimented me on how well I’ve trained him and they couldn’t get over how adorable he is. Then I flicked THEM in the nose as well.

Well that’s it for now. I’m off from work until Friday. GO GENTILE in a JEWISH OFFICE!

Peace!

And

Out!

And BULL!

Fair fucking enough.

Happy Easter and Passover!

I'm off for the rest of the week, so enjoy the holiday everyone! Be back on Monday!

The Anatomy of a Friendship

***Whenever I create a post, I pick a saying to type into Google to find the best pic. Tonight I typed in “Curious Face” and this is what I found. ROFL with me, will you?

And now to the post…

Understand first that I don’t remember the last time I was so unnecessarily drunk. I’ve been a member of numerous happy hours in my lifetime, but for some reason, probably because I was sick and not supporting it, I went out and had drink after drink, mostly because it made my sickness go to sleep and my happiness go awake. I laugh. Cuz that was the most ridonkulous sentence I’ve written in a while.

I had one of the worst days of my “job” life today. When the fax machine broke 10 minutes after the Xerox machine broke…when at the same time I had a line of 20 students (no exag) out the door…when the people in my office feel as though THAT’S the appropriate time to talk to me about my Passover plans…and I’m sick. My head pounds, my stomach aches, and I hate everything that is within the body and mind of Joe.

At the peak of this chaos (aka bullshit), I, literally, shut the door to our “resource room” and I cried. Two people caught me in the act. The first one was the housekeeper (and is also my second mother) who proceeded to wipe my tears with a paper towel. The second was the bookkeeper (who I love despite all of my superficial attitudes) who told me that I was acting “girly”. Fair enough. Fair fucking enough. How could she even think that was ok to say? OMG. Fair fucking enough.

While I would have usually gone home and died sickly in my bed, I was desperate for some time with my friends. I went to this totally adorable bar in Hells Kitchen. There is this gorgeous outside area (which if you’re from NY and you’re a smoker, you understand that ANY outside area where you can puff is gorgeous), and couches and ambiance to the T. Or at least to the T on their budget. But that’s so not the point.

The point is…my friend Kelly and my friend Angie joined. All was going well and talks and laughs were had and suddenly, during the conversation about Angie’s birthday party, I became this monster. I truly can’t explain how it happened, but I can definitely recall the moment when it happened and I was unable to stop it.

Angie’s having her birthday party at my apartment. And the thing is…I somehow took that to mean that it was MY party to throw. I gave full thought to it and I mentally planned the food, the games, and the decorations. The thing is, Angie wanted it to be HER birthday and she had already given thought to it too. Go figure.

So when I actually talked to Angie about it, my controlling, TYPE A TO THE MAX, personality came out, and I actually put her into tears (cuz I wanted it MY way) and inadvertently forced her into the bathroom to clean her face.

Imagine my horror when I realized what I had done. Imagine the horror when Kelly warned me all the way through the conversation that I was going too far and imagine me ignoring that premonition and continuing any way.

To this moment (4 hours later) I sit here and beat myself up over the fact that I put my friend into tears tonight.

I apologized, with full dick turning into vagina, numerous times. I left the bar with Angie and smoked a bowl and apologized again. And then when I was leaving her apartment, I buzzed her and said “I’m sorry, again.” She’s over it, so why can’t I be?

Kelly, who knows me better than I know myself, took Angie’s side halfway through our birthday conversation. At one point, I raised my finger in her face and said “No”, and she sat there quiet. I continued, Angie got to the point of tears and Kelly kept trying to head it off at the past. But I was in the mode and I said “NO!”.

This is all well and good…

But then Kelly did the most remarkable thing…

It was ten minutes after my initial apology and I couldn’t stop bringing it up. No matter the conversation, I had to find a way to make eye contact with Angie and to say “I’m sorry”. I HATE to be the guy that makes his girls cry. And no matter how many times I said it, the apologizes were never enough.

Then Kelly said the one thing that made a difference.

In front of Angie and I, Kelly interrupted my apologies to say “You’ve said you’re sorry and now you let it go. It’s done.”

It may seem stupid to you the reader…but for me…having one of my best friends tell me that I was vindicated of my action to another best friend…it was everything. It was the only way I could truly allow myself to get past the fact that I put my friend in tears about a conversation relating to her birthday.

In summation (drunk people ALWAYS need summations to put it all together):

When I sit here and feel like I don’t have a family outside of the ones that are biological...I’m reminded of the family that I’ve cultivated right here in front of my face.

I’ve got my friend Rita, who I talked to for no less than 4 hours on Friday night…

I’ve got Angie, who loves me so dearly that she CAN be honest about how she feels and react comfortably to my bullshit…

My friend Kelly who watches me move through my life as though it was frame by frame…and can legitimately understand it, dissect it, and instruct me on the right path…or at least the path she knows I want.

Fucking shit.

I left work with puffed eyes and a headache and it’s now 10:30pm and I’m buzzed, with no pot, typing in my journal, playing with my dog, and learning a life lesson.

Tuesdays are the bomb bitches.

The A bomb. Sorry Iran.

Sunday Blues

I don’t know about you, but Sundays tend to be my least favorite day of the week. It’s mostly cuz Monday is such a shit day that I tend not to enjoy the good parts of my Sunday and focus on the impending doom that will be the beginning of my week. Because of this, I spend most Sundays in bed with Paul, watching movies, going to dinner, and back to bed in order to get all of the comfortability out of life before I have to be thrust out of the womb and into the cold harsh life that is New York rush hour at 8am.

Once in a while I actually MAKE plans for a Sunday brunch and it always turns out to be exactly what I needed to do to overcome the “Sunday Blues”.

Today my friend Mariah showed up at my apartment and we had a smoke and a drink and went to brunch. Sitting there, in the sun, a glass of wine in one hand, a cigarette in the other…it was a sense of peace that I’ve only found at various moments while living in this big city.

No matter what I do, I’m always focused on the “next thing”. If I’m having drinks or watching a movie or seeing a Broadway play, I’m always thinking “what’s next”. It’s maddening and a facet of my personality that I’m working overtime to change.

Yet, when I’m sitting in the sun on a beautiful day, having appetizers and drinking a Pinot Grigio…when I’ve got my cigarette in one hand, my boy and one of my best on each side…my dog/my love sitting on my lap and cuddling away…it’s a peace and a calm that reminds me why being alive is so important. It’s a reminder that depression does have cures that are available to me.

I’ve realized lately that I’m truly becoming this cynical, negative bitch. My friend Rita used to tell me that one of my most remarkable qualities was that I was always the naïve, glass is half full, kind of guy. It was endearing to others and personally, comfortable for me. But then life takes a turn and against my will, I started to become the jaded, glass half empty, kind of bitch that I refuse to accept. It’s not who I want to be, regardless of the fact that it might be who I’m becoming.

Mariah with her bloody Mary, Paul with his glass of flat water, me with my bottomless cup of wine…a peace and 4 hours of my life that I feel were spent appropriately and beautifully. Yet, I’m already feeling the blues while writing this.

Cuz as with my new and unfortunate personality…so much of my brain is working overtime reminding me that brunch is over, the sun is setting and the wine has run out. It’s time to set out the clothes for tomorrow, clean up the dishes, and think about the brutality that is a job that doesn’t compliment you in any way important; in any way special, in any way enjoyable.

But today I try something different. Today I use mind over matter and I spend my last few hours of freedom on a Sunday as calm as I can be. I spend it playing with my dog, watching a movie that I love, and putting all of my ducks in a row so that when tomorrow mornings ugly head turns (please God any time after 3am – sleeping on a Sunday night is my biggest challenge), I will be ready and strong enough to get my ass to that subway.

Whatever. No matter what happens, I’ll remember that having 4 hours of fulfillment on a Sunday afternoon is the best arsenal I’ve had against my Monday terror than any idea that’s come before it.

And because of that, it may become a ritual.

Uninspired Friday

Nice camel toe Dickhead.

I was reading through some journals this morning and decided to steal a MEME from Wisdom of a Moonchild. I’ve got nothing to write about, but I feel the need to post. Thanks Inkers!

Now on to the show and keep in mind that I’m in an exceptionally bitchy mood today.

Lez rock lezzies:

1. Last kiss? God, it’s been so long it seems…um…my dog, Tyler. Holy shit, I’m becoming THAT guy.

2. How do u flush the toilet in public? Let’s see…I take off the top of the toilet and I move my hand around inside of the tank. I then pull on that little chain and watch the water empty from the bowl. Then I dry my hand by licking it clean. My mom taught me this method and it really does work the best.

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? I even wear a seat belt every time I get into a cab. Seriously..

4. Do you have a crush on someone? Nope. And when you’re as cute as me, that’s a total shame.

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it: Marijuana, mostly cuz I REALLY don’t want to have to buy it yet again. Each time I’m convinced I’m going to get my ass arrested. But then again, I could really use a day off from work, so that might not be such a bad thing..

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? This question irks cuz I think I’m quite original (and really don’t think I look like any of these, but ho hum…) I get Austin from “Days of our Lives”, Eddie Munster, Freddie Prinze Jr., anyone who can’t act worth shit. Which is probably saying something….

7. Favorite pizza topping: Just cheese and only cheese. Why ruin a perfectly good pizza with anything else? Completely blasphemous in my world.

8. Finish this sentence: if my life was a sitcom my theme song would be from the Greatest American Hero – cuz I’m gay and have an afro of curly blonde hair.

9. Do you pop your knuckles? I used to a lot, but now I just crack my neck incessantly. Yet when other people do it, it makes me want to puke. Go figure.

10. What song do you dislike the most when it gets stuck in your head? These days it’s Beyonce’s “Check on It”. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with the chorus repeating in my head and it’s absolutely maddening. I’m talkin MADDENING.

11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? HAHAHAHA. WHY, YES! Now I hate you.

12. What are your super powers? Manipulation and crying when I’m not upset.

13. Peppermint or spearmint? YAWN…peppersnores.

14. Where are your keys? ALWAYS in my purse.

15. Who's answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear? Truthfully? No ones. MEME’s suck unless you’re doing one yourself.

16. What's your most annoying habit? God I have so many. Probably having to be in bed by 11pm and biting my fingernails. And also eating pizza. I’ve been known to eat it 4 or 5 times a week. Usually while I’m chewing on my fingernails.

17. Where did you last go on vacation? I last went on vacation to Rhode Island and we stayed in this gorgeous hotel and our room opened up to a balcony that was RIGHT ON THE BEACH – waves crashing 20 feet away. I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. It was absolutely beautiful.

18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be? Hmmmm…only one? Then I pick my first “boyfriend” Brandon. He could use a good punch in his fake bisexual face. And he has a crooked dick. SNARF!

19. I don't know what happened to 19. Fair enough!

20. What CD is closest to you right now? Fiona Apple’s “Extraordinary Machine” and also the movie soundtrack to “Rent”, and also Jason Mraz’s “Mr. A-Z” and also…so many more. I’m quite music obsessed.

21. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Whole Fruit popsicles (tangerine is Paul and my favorite), blue cheese, French fries.

22. What superstition do you believe/practice? For someone as crazy as me, you’d be surprised to hear that I don’t believe in superstition. Mostly cuz I’m afraid that if I do start, I’ll get all OCD about it.

23. When you're in a public place and your underwear gets up your crack, do you sit there and take it, or do you dig it out and let the world deal with it? I’m the king of covert, so I will, of course, dig it out, but I would be mortified if anyone actually caught me doing it. And also, up your crack? Sick.

24. If you could murder 5 people and get away with it, who would they be and why? First and foremost would be President Bush. Second would be President Bush. Third would be Vice President Dickhead. Third and Fourth are Bush again and fifth is Bush. He’s such a cocky, blow hard, IDIOT. Oh blech. He’s even worse than that. Ever hate someone so much you couldn’t ever quench the thirst of it? I could write three more pages about how much I can’t stand this tool and I would STILL not feel satiated. Seriously, I would love it if he died. And yeah, I ain’t kiddin.

25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive? I don’t drive ever since I live in Manhattan, but at the same time I do think it’s dangerous and should always be on “hands-free”.

26. What are your favorite sayings? I’m HUGE on sayings…currently I’m rocking “Fair enough”, but it’s on its way out. My next thing is going to be calling my girl friends “Mommy” and my guy friends “Daddy”. I read it recently in a David Sedaris book and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I’m known in my friends for beating them over the head with new sayings until they pick it up and claim it for their own.

27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower? Whatever is playing on the radio. But if they play that Ne-Yo “So Sick” song again, I’m going to cut his tongue out. For real.

28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go? I would go forward in time to when gays are truly accepted as part of the society, but in order for that to happen, we’d need a new scapegoat. I’m offering up the Latinos as the next group to be skewered by the people. Fair enough! (OMG, I am SO kidding – it would be the Asians.)

29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie? BOOOOWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. How bout the one where he DOESN’T play a smarmy, fucking douchebag?

30. (I changed this question cuz I didn’t like the original one) Are you the best? Yes.

31. What OCD qualities do you have? I have to squeeze my eyes shut really hard before something exciting happens. Everything must be put back in its proper place – Paul drives me up the wall with this. I don’t care if it’s a drop of piss or just a fart, the toilet MUST be flushed each time after use – again, Paul drives me crazy with this.

32. How many kids do you plan on having? How many kids do I plan on NOT having? 7

33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be? There actually aren’t too many since I go for mostly bodybuilders. So I guess I’ll say “The Incredible Hulk”. With extra green paint.

34. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know? Yeah. Fucking, of course.

35. What do you do when no one is watching? Masturbate furiously.

36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you? Anyone hot and gay. Fuck the straight people playing gay. It’s like me playing black. You just can’t quite get into that skin correctly.”

37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? I don’t answer any question that references Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory”. And I actually really like Bon Jovi. But I don’t answer questions that relate to this song NOR the movie “Young Guns”.

38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most? Uh…I still eat all the candy that I liked from when I was a kid. (shifty eyes)

39. What is your favorite movie? I fucking hate this question. As a cinephile, there is no such thing as ONE favorite movie. That’s all there is to it. I want this question removed from society immediately. It should be “What’s the best movie you’ve seen recently?” Cuz when your 15 and your favorite movie is “Edward Scissorhands”, are you expected to keep it as your favorite movie for the rest of your life? I mean, seriously. Go fuck yourself.

40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert? I’ve seen a ton of concerts, but the bands I’ve really enjoyed live have been “Dave Matthews”, “Barenaked Ladies”, “Ben Folds Five”, “Indigo Girls”, “NSYNC”, and “Our Lady Peace”.

41. Have you ever been in love? God no. What am I? A fag?

42. Do you talk to yourself? Yes. Oh yes. But usually in my head and not out loud. Does that make me less crazy or just hotter than I already am?

43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the face off the earth? President Bush. But that goes without saying. I’ll also say my boss at work. And I’ll also say the mail guy who talks my ear off every day. And I’ll even say…oh you know what? I pretty much want everyone to fall off the earth. So I’m going to ask God to shake the whole planet and those who hang on can stay. Everyone else can float into the orbit and watch us all having fun without them. That seems fair. Fair enough, that is!

And that is all for today. Have a wonderful weekend! I surely will.

Hugs and drugs y’all!

The Wink

My morning subway commute is always jam packed. It’s rare for me to get a seat within the first 4 stops and considering that my whole ride is 8 stops, I keep my eyes pealed for that person shifting in their seat, getting ready to stand up and walk to the door. I try to be covert about it and I quietly slip over so that I can sit down before any old or pregnant women catch on. Once I’m in the seat, I close my eyes, listen to my Ipod and shut the world out.

This morning, as we approached 14th street, a rugged, good looking, construction worker got on the train. I went to sit down in the freshly opened seat just as he went to do the same. Considering that I never fight over a seat with someone, I backed off and let him have it. He smiled and sat down. Eventually we got to Times Square and a number of seats opened up. I sat down and looked up to see the construction worker sitting directly across from me.

This was my perfect opportunity to check him out and to see what he was all about. I started with his work boots and moved my way up his carpenter jeans to the dirty Carhardt jacket he was wearing. When I got to his face, I realized that he was staring directly at me. And he was smiling. I briefly smiled back and looked down at my lap, embarrassed.

The subway chugged along and I sat there with my eyes closed. When I was one stop from my destination, I looked up to make sure that I was at the right stop on the route. When I did so, the construction worker was staring back at me again. And then he winked. Very nonchalantly, but with definite purpose. I held my gaze for a second and then I closed my eyes again. What the fuck?

When the subway reached my stop, I stood up and so did the construction worker. I walked off the train and he followed directly behind me. There was a shitload of pedestrian traffic and we both got stuck in line waiting to walk through the turnstiles.

“Hey”, the man said.
“Hey”, I said.
“You work at the school?”, he asked.
“Yeah. You?” I cast him a sideways glance, one of my best.
“I’m working on a building on campus.”, he offered.
“That’s cool. It’s cold outside today. You work outside?” I asked.
“Yeah. Had to wear 3 layers of clothes.”
I smiled.

We walked through the turnstiles and started up the stairs to the street.

“You want to hang out sometime?”, he offered.
“Sure. Why not?” I replied.
“Got a pen?”, construction man asked.
“Yeah. Hold on.”

I got my pen out and a piece of paper. He wrote down his name (Mike) and then his phone number as well. I thanked him for it and we went our separate ways.

As I crossed the street to my building, I looked back and saw Mike still looking at me. He smiled and I smiled back. Man, he looked good standing there.

All morning I’ve been thinking about the moment when Mike winked at me and let me know that he was interested. I would never have the courage to do something like that on the subway. But then again, I’m not a construction worker. Do I call him? Do we hang out? Does he rape and pillage me? Do I care?

It’s definitely a possibility and I’ll give it a day or two before I give him a ring. Don’t want to seem too eager.

But not a bad start to the day, eh? And who said that the subways weren’t made for lovers?

Cursed Monday

Monday’s are the devil’s playground. I hate them. And lately I’ve been having the worst insomnia on Sunday nights. I was up at 4:30 this morning and I laid there for about 15 minutes before getting in to the shower. I get all cleaned up and then I lay back in bed until it’s time to go to work. It’s the most frustrating feeling on the planet. But at least it’s almost lunch time and that means NAPTIME!

Had a fantastic weekend. Had some people over on Friday night for drinks and music. Then I went over to my friend Tessa and Randy’s apartment for more drinks and games. Although it turned out to be less games and more talking and laughing then anything. I always have the time of my life when I’m over there. The night FLEW by and the next thing I knew, it was almost 2am and time for me to get my drunken ass home.

Had a pretty low key day on Saturday overall. Ended up going out to Long Island for dinner with some friends and actually didn’t have ANYTHING alcoholic to drink. Just some soda and good Italian food. I got home sometime around 8:30pm and watched some movies. Memoirs of a Geisha was not worth my Netflix choice, but Junebug was FANFUCKINGTASTIC! That Amy Adams is just about my most favoritest new actress. She had me bawling in one of her big scenes. Also, that whole fast forwarding an hour ahead thing is so played out. I’m not doing it next year. I work on my own schedule.

Yesterday, Paul and I walked the dog all over Lower Manhattan and then had some Mexican food. Then we watched King Kong, which I loved the first time and totally loved more the second time. The CGI effects in this movie are incredible. Seeing it in the theater was mind-blowingly good, but it was still worth it on my TV as well.

Question for the producers of Memoirs of a Geisha: Your movie was a half an hour shorter than King Kong was. Why did it feel like it was 8 weeks longer? And why was the book THAT much better than the movie? I’m talking THAT and I’m talking MUCH and I’m talkin MO’ better!

All in all, a very, very good weekend. Friends, food, and fun!

Oh! Then my mom called me this morning and told me that I was getting back over $800 in my tax refund. Thank God. I’ve never needed the money more than I do now.

So yeah. Once this Monday is finished, the curse will be lifted. I’ve never wanted a Tuesday so badly!